I can’t even begin to describe how sh1t this time of year is for those who have lost a baby and particularly when it’s the first year you have lost your baby. The grief is actually beyond imaginable. the shops are filled with the cutest baby clothes and babygro’s all saying ‘baby’s first christmas’ and all you can think of is that this should be you and how has it gone all horribly wrong. You should either still be pregnant or should be experiencing your baby’s first Christmas but instead you are mourning or wishing so bad for it to be the way it should have been earlier in the year, they way you had it all planned out the second you found out you were pregnant with your little one. but instead you are mentally and emotionally stuck in some reality that you just can’t bear to be in.
It’s hard to say it has got a little bit easier because I feel that sounds in poor taste but time has been somewhat of a healer and I have learned to cope in some ways but Christmas is a trigger and its all about family and when there is a special person you love missing from your family christmas will always be tinged with a bit of sadness.
I was in my local shopping centre last week and I just saw so many new babies with their mammies walking around so happy with life and it does put such a smile on my face because it really is such a very, very special time, a babies first Christmas but it also brought me back to a place where I was 2 years ago when I experienced my first Christmas without Oisin being in my tummy anymore and last year should have been his first Christmas. It was Senan’s first Christmas and it was very joyous and happy for us and I would never ever in a million years take that joy away from myself and my family and Senan for his first Christmas but it was 100% in my mind that it also should have been Oisín’s and I did allow myself be emotional about that.
But today I think of all the parents out there, particularly the mammies because it is so, so hard for them to get out of the house into the throngs of Christmas shoppers and feel festive and buy presents and watch happy families walking around when it is something they want so bad too and not that it is something they want, its something they too should have. They had lots of hope too when they carried their baby or gave birth to their baby but something went drastically wrong and their lives changed forever by what happened during the year.
So please, please, please if you read this piece and if you know someone who has lost a baby this year or a pregnancy send them a Christmas card, put their baby’s name on it if their baby was named, send them a text or even better drop them a quick phone call and let them know you are thinking of them and that you know this is a tough Christmas for them. Otherwise it feels like it is a taboo subject or they feel like they are being alienated and in an even lonelier place then they already are. If you want to buy them a little gift a candle or a bauble for their baby for their Christmas tree is perfectly acceptable.
But please don’t shut them out, don’t ignore them, don’t not mention their baby…because the silence is deafening.
The reason I started my blog was to raise awareness about baby loss and stillbirth, to break the silence and that is my goal. I love the amount of messages I get from people who follow my blog and contact me saying their friend or family member lost a baby and what should they do to help them. really its that simple don’t ignore them. I know so many people who feel that by mentioning the baby or the baby name will make them upset but trust me by not mentioning it is so much worse.